Superman is a bitch: The true story of Super-Bitch
by postmanobama
Summary: Superman is hit with one of Lex Luthors zeta rays, and it has some truly bizarre side affects. Join a fun filled ride, full of mishaps, mayhem and Sandwiches. Please Reveiw or follow :D pretty please with sprinkles on top?
1. Chapter 1

**Right bubs, heres a story all about superman in and odd predicament, before you begin take note that anything in italics is Superman's perculiar thoughts**

**As ever I do not own anything in this story... **

Superman raced across the sky, faster than a speeding bullet towards the hall of justice and a nights rest. It had been a tough day for superman; he'd had his work cut out for him since the early morning. Doomsday had been trashing uptown metropolis since early morning, and after that he'd had to deal with icicle Jr, who was freezing cars on the golden gate bridge and then he'd bought himself a sandwich

_Which was a task in its own right, as I could only find change in my pocket and I was a few cents short and oh the drama of it all_

And then his old enemy lex had began trashing downtown metropolis in that ridiculous robot exoskeleton of his

_Who would go out in public dressed like that? I mean what was he thinking? _

Lex had hit him with some kind of Zeta ray, but it had no effect on him whatsoever, which was odd. Lex usually planned his schemes a little better than that.

_Who cares? It's time to go home and relax with a hot bath._

Superman stopped caring after he thought of home. He would quickly take a zeta tube to the watchtower, file a quick report on the day's events, go home see Lois and…

_MAKE BATMAN A SANDWHICH!_

The though hit superman like a truck, so un-expected and explosive. He felt the thought echoing around inside his head for what seemed like hours.

'Well that was certainly odd.' He said to himself, continuing his flight, trying to clear his head. He flew on, but the thought remained, bouncing around in his head, dominating all other problems in his head.

_I'd bet batman's really hungry right now. I wonder if he'll prefer tuna fish or a chicken salad._

Another odd thought rushed through his head… Thinking back he'd been having a few random thoughts since this afternoon, perhaps it was because of Lex's…

_Or is he more of a grilled cheese kind of guy?_

That thought suddenly took precedence of all other matters. Superman was sure that batman was a Tuna fish kind of guy.

_After all they say tuna is brain food. And there isn't anyone brainier than my bats_

Superman suddenly looked up, escaping from his peculiar thoughts for just a second, to notice that he was speeding towards a passenger aircraft. He changed his flight path just in time, narrowly missing the aircraft.

_Gosh that was silly of me wasn't it?_ _I could have done some serious damage and batman would have been angry._

His head was still reeling from shock when he arrived at the hall of justice, and walked through the giant doors. Passing the giant statues of the original founding members another odd thought crossed his mind.

_Does that statue make my but look big? Oh my god it does, it really does!_

His train of thought was broken by a friendly shout from across the hall. He turned to see wonder woman and hawk-girl walking over to him from the zeta tubes.

'Superman, Hi.' Wonder woman greeted him.

'Oh hey Gurls.' Superman piped up waving, gaily 'Looking fabulous' Superman clapped a hand over his mouth shocked at what he had said. He let them walk to him; his hand still remained clamped over his mouth.

'Superman, what did you just say?' Wonder-woman asked, smirking.

'Uhh, Nothing' Superman mumbled, with his hand still placed over his mouth.

'Are you sure?' laughed Hawk-girl, a similar smirk on her face.

'Uhh, yep' Superman mumbled, obviously panicking now 'I've got to go get a zeta-tube. Batman needs a sandwich' Superman face palmed and ran off towards the zeta tube.

'What the hell was that all about' Questioned Hawk-girl

'I have no idea' replied wonder woman 'But it sure was odd'

**Well there goes the first chapter. I'm going to now beg you to reveiw the story or follow it and make a young postmanobama happy. It doesn't even have to be positive. I dont care. Also if you've got any ideas about what you think superman should do with his brand new Bitchy-ness then please tell me in a reveiw and ill make it happen, just for you. I'll even thank you for the idea in my intro. **

**Right-y ho chaps, thats it for today, but i had alot of fun writing this so look out for new parts **

**Postmanobama (peace out :D)**


	2. Chapter 2

**So lads and lasses of justice, It seemed like superBitch went quite well so hears the next chapter. Special thanks to Brainnebee (My apologies if your pen name was spelt inccorectly) for reveiwing the story and letting me know it was worth carrying on with :D **

Superman sped through the zeta tube, and appeared in the watchtower, the floating fortress of the justice league.

_Oh that made my tummy tickle _

Superman face palmed again and hurried of to file a report, before anymore of his Justice league comrades saw him in such an awkward state.

'SUPES!' Called Flash speeding to his side 'Hey buddy how have you been? Fought any good bad guys lately? Give em the old one two?' Flash raised his fists and began to mock-spar with the (man?) of steel

'Uh flash…' superman chose his words carefully, on guard for any slip ups. If he misspoke in front of Flash he would never hear the end of it. 'I have a really important job to do, so… uh… im going to go and file my report' Superman was pleased with his effort, happy that he hadn't given Flash anything to tease him with.

'Uhh Supes?' Flash asked genuinely puzzled

'Yes' Superman Replied, making his voice sound gruff and manly 'what is it Flash?'

'Why are you standing like that?' Flash pointed downward, to superman's hips which were stuck out to the right side, His right had resting on his hip, his left hand raised in the air, palm outstretched, pointing to the left. Superman took a moment to notice his stance, and remained still for a moment. Flash began to giggle, and then outright laugh. In moments he was rolling on the floor, clutching his sides.

'I'm stupid, Stupid, stupid' Said superman ears welling in his eyes.

'Supes, are… you… gonna… cry' flash asked, between his guffaws of joy

'NO' Superman shouted, and ran toward his chambers, already sobbing.

Red tornado joined flash in watching the man of steel run of crying to his room.

'What was that all about, red?' asked flash, scratching his head.

'Human customs still elude me' replied Red tornado and walked on towards his chambers.

Superman sat into his room sobbing, hoping that flash hadn't heard him cry. Believing some music would cheer him up, he flicked on his I-pod and put it on shuffle and relaxed on his bunk. He remained still for a few minutes, calming himself down, humming some of the words. Then _that_ song started playing. Lois had put it on his I-pod ages ago, back when they had first started dating. He had hated it, pop had never really been his type of Muiscbut now something about it made him want to dance. He got up from his bunk, and began singing.

'I'm a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world  
Life in plastic, its fantastic!  
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere  
Imagination, life is your creation  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!'

He sang, happily unaware that Green lantern was stood just outside the door, about to knock. Superman began to dance, with one hand on the back of his head, and the other outstretched. He began to wiggle his hand back and forth, and then shake his hips left to right. Green Lantern entered 'Hey Superman, are you okay, I heard sing…' Green lantern stopped to stare at superman and Superman stared back, frozen in his dance position.

'Oh dear lord' Green lantern said, averting his eyes and backing out of his room.

'Oh Hal, please don't tell anyone. Pretty please?'

'_Pretty please_?'

'Yeah with sprinkles on top' Superman smiled what he hoped was a reassuring smile

'I don't know what is going on today' Green lantern said, shrugging and walking away from the man of steel

'Hal, don't tell Batman, please, please, please' Superman begged

'There is something wrong with superman today' Green Lantern told batman, who was sat on monitor duty.

'I know, there are cameras in his room. I saw his dance. I found it quite…'

'Seductive' Offered aquaman, helpfully

'… Disturbing' finished batman, looking at Aquaman in a funny way.

'So what are we going to do, Batman? We definitely can't have him acting like this in public. We'll be a laughing stock!' Asked Green lantern

'Hey Bats, GL and uhh…' Said flash, speeding into the monitor room '…sorry what's your name again?' Flash asked pointing at Aquaman

'I'm Aquaman, ruler of Atlantis, King of the ocean and all it's people!' Aquaman boomed

'Oh yeah… I must have forgotten you because you so useless' Said Flash

'Hey' Said Aquaman pouting 'Batman, Flash call me useless!'

'SHUT UP' Batman shouted at Aquaman. He had been stuck on Monitor duty all night with this useless idiot, and in honesty he agreed with Flash, Aquaman was useless. 'What is it that you wanted to say, Flash?'

'You guys seen Supes today?!' He asked excitedly

'Yes we have' Said Batman, playing the video footage from Superman's room. Flash could barely contain his laughter.

'What is with him today?' Green lantern asked

'I Know' said Flash 'Red and I saw him in the hallway and he was standing all…. Gay'

'I suggest we let him file his report on today's events and check for any abnormal… we'll get to the bottom of this'

Meanwhile in the Kitchen Superman was scouring the Fridges and cupboards for suitable sandwich material. He found a large can of Tuna at the back of the cupboard.

_Batman will love this_ He thought, opening the can.

**There be chapter two for ye scurvy devils. I hope that you have enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. If you have any Ideas about who Super-Bitch should meet on his next adventure, Be they hero villain or yourself leave a reveiw. Also if you like the story and think it's funny or what have you also reveiw adn follow becasue that makes me smile :D**

**Postmanobama (I'll be back) **


	3. Chapter 3

**So guys first I want to say thank you for all the positive feedback that you have given this story, it really is appreciated. Second I want to say sorry for this chapter, it's not that great and it is really short. I'm using it more of a gateway chapter so that it can lead to better things in the future, so please stick with it :) **

'Uhh… Batman?' superman asked edging into the monitor room slowly, to check if it was empty.

'Superman, come in' Batman said in his usual gruff tones, pointing towards an empty seat where Aquaman had been sat until recently. He'd gone to get a candy bar. Superman sat in the chair, looking at Batman.

'Soooooo… Whatcha' doin' Asked Superman, swivelling the chair slowly, from left to right.

'I'm on monitor duty' Batman said gesturing to the screens

'Oh cool, cool. Hey I was wondering if maybe… you would like to go and see a movie maybe… or like get some coffee.'

'I can't… I'm on monitor duty'

'Oh… yeah, yeah. That's cool' said superman, trying to mask the disappointment in his voice

'Uhh, I'm sorry… I guess' Said Batman, confused as to what he was sorry about

'No problem, no problem' said Superman, his face still glum

'Listen… superman… did anything odd happe…' Batman was cut of by a squeal of glee

'I know, we can totally have a sleepover, on monitor duty!'

'I don't really think that's standard procedure…'

'Oh come on, it'll be fun… We can stay up late and paint each others toenails and watch scary movies and gossip… Got any good gossip bats?'

'I honestly think that…'

'Oh heres some… did you here about hawk girl? Her new hair, OMG, it is to die for… So sexy. I wish I had the same type of hair she does, Mines way to thick for that sort of do.'

'I really don't think that that's relevant… Please superman…'

'Oh and what about Flash… I've heard he's a bit too fast, if you know what I mean' superman nudged batman.

'That's disturbing…'

'And true as well' said Aquaman walking in, eating a snickers. Batman glared at him, disappointed he had returned so quickly. He preferred his own company. Superman was glaring as well, angry at Aquaman's intrusion into a private party.

'HEY' cried Superman 'What do you think you're doing here? This is a private affair! GET OUT'

'I think you both need to leave' muttered Batman underneath his breath. Aquaman looked to Batman for support, and finding none left the monitor room, with his head hanging low.

'Now that he's gone we can continue and talk about our feelings' Superman said leaning closer to batman. Batman began to panic, and resorted to blabbering out

'Would you make me a sandwich?' Superman looked confused for a moment and then his face lit up with joy.

'Yeah sure, what kind of sandwich? I bet you want tuna. Am I right? I am aren't I? Luckily for you I made one earlier. It's in the fridge' Superman ran out of the room to collect Batman's sandwich

Batman rubbed his temples and sighed. This entire event was getting annoying.

**Achh eye, that be the next chapter for ya flying scotsman... Please remember to reveiw, follow, favourite and all that jazz if you enjoyed reading this. And also if you didn't, i like constructive criticism. Sorry again because it was so short and crappy but i love you if you have read to this part 3 **

**See you next time,**

**postmanobama (Hasta lavista baby) **


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello again, its me postman obama, with yet another chapter of Super-bitch (As Dragonfire-jessie sparrow was begging i thought why not :) ) As for information about this chapter, well its alot longer than the last one adn i tried to write that BMWW interaction for you, The Mortal Knight. I'll apologise if the relationships seem a bit unrealistic, but hey i'm here writing fanfiction, what do i know about relationships. Another peice of information i'll warn you about is that i drop the F-bomb somewhere in here adn i'm not sure what rating i set (Or to be honest what the ratings mean) so if there are any annoying five year olds, who will go and use the F-word at home, and then tell there parents that Obama told them to use it, well not only will your parents think your an idiot, but, well yeah, just your parents will think your an idiot, because i don't really care... But you all seem like responsible people here so we should be all good... Enjoy**

Superman was skipping down one of the many sterile watchtower hallways. In one hand he carried a plate with a tuna fish sandwich on and in the other he held a glass of fruit juice. He moved quickly, desperate to rejoin batman in the monitor room. He rounded the corner, close to the monitor room, and was met with a glum looking Aquaman, looking idly at the vending machine, scuffing his foot along the ground. He turned around, saw superman and began pouting like a small child.

'Have you come to kick me out of the hall as well?' Aquaman asked, his voice laced with impertinence.

'No…' Superman began, suddenly feeling sorry for his previous treatment of Aquaman. After all wasn't Aquaman closer to a child than an actual meta-human. And children should, of course, be treated kindly by adults such as himself and batman. He took a step forward, but Aquaman turned his back, like a sulky child.

'Of course you have' Aquaman pouted 'because you all think you're better than me, because Aquaman's the most useless hero on the team.' He had his arms folded across his chest, his back to superman in defiance.

'I don't think you're useless…' said superman softly.

'Really?' said Aquaman turning around slowly to look superman in the eye

'Of course you're not useless…' Truthfully Superman did think Aquaman was a bit useless. The man had the Ability to call whales to his aid. Even in the water a whale was pretty useless. It doesn't even have teeth. And on land, Superman had no idea how the power to telepathically communicate with fish was going to be of any use whatsoever, but nonetheless he went on with his charade, trying to make Aquaman feel better about himself.

'Thanks, Superman' Said Aquaman, wiping his eyes with his sleeve 'Your so nice' Aquaman offered a reassuring smile.

'Listen, I'm sorry about earlier, shouting at you and all. It's just Batman can be difficult to deal with alone and with other people invading in and watching us, well it just gets awkward' Superman sighed

'No it's fine… Listen between you and me… Batman… Total hottie' Aquaman winked at superman 'It's a real shame about him and wonder woman though' Aquaman said shaking his head

'Well, Bats might be thinking twice after he tastes my tuna fish sandwich' Aquaman looked confused

'Was that supposed to be an innuendo?' He asked scratching his head. Superman gestured tot eh tuna sandwich in his hand.

'No, silly' Superman said. Then winked at Aquaman and continued 'I don't put out on the first date'

'Ah ok' Aquaman said, as superman walked off, down the hall. As superman walked away Aquaman whispered to himself 'Do he got the booty?' After brief moments contemplation Aquaman resolved

'He Dooooooo'

Meanwhile in the monitor room Batman tracked Superman's progress through the monitor screens. He had made fast progress. Faster than Batman had hoped, He needed time to assess the situation further. There was clearly something wrong with Superman. He wasn't exactly the manliest of all the heroes of the justice league, with his mild manners and polite, quiet nature, but he wasn't exactly camp, or overly feminine, like Aquaman. All Batman needed to do was get Superman to file his daily report, and then finally, perhaps, he would have some answers. He went back to scanning the screens, when there was a polite rap at the door. Batman quickly checked the screens, but superman was speaking to a pouting Aquaman. Batman turned and saw Diana standing in the doorway to the monitor room.

'Hope you don't mind if I come and sit with you?' She asked as she sat down in the absent superman's chair. She flicked her raven locks behind her shoulder and stared at him with her dark eyes. She held her knees to her chest and slipped off her shoes.

'Do you know you're my third monitor duty partner today?' Batman said, turning to stare at her, in all her beauty.

'Am I your favourite?' She asked, with a teasing smile playing on her lips

'Meh' Replied Batman 'as a partner for monitor duty I'm impartial.' He turned and looked at her again, this time a smile playing on his lips 'But as a partner for _other _things. Well that's a different story'

'Did the fabled batman just crack wise' she asked laughing, and shaking her hair off her shoulder.

'Well I have my moments' Batman said and leaned in to kiss her. She pecked his cheek and handed him a report 'Sorry Bruce, but business first. The full report on myself and Hawk-girls mission to the Amazon'

'Of course' Batman said, pulling back and examining the report 'Ill read it later, but for now, what was it like to return home?'

'The usual I guess' Diana sighed 'never really had the chance to enjoy it, too much pressure all the time'

'Of course… What was the situation over there?'

'Some kind of mystical spirit released, possessing the volcano, burning, smashing, and screaming.'

'And…?' Asked Batman

'I lassoed it, Hawk-Girl smashed it into oblivion and my people's elders re-trapped the spirit'

'Very good' replied Batman, returning to the monitor screens. Superman was leaving aquaman now, heading to the monitor room once more. 'Listen, Diana, can we lock the door?'

'Whoa, hold your horses, cowboy' She said, a mocking laugh piercing the air. Batman both hated and loved her laugh. Batman sighed and Wonder woman looked at him

'Bruce' she said. He wasn't looking at her. She leant in and kissed him on the lips. That seemed to get his attention, as he kissed her back. _Typical of a man_ Diana thought, her own mocking laugh echoing through her head.

Superman could see the door to the monitor room ahead. He was so close, with no more distractions he could be with Bats within twenty seconds. He pumped himself up to a speed walk, not wanting to spill any of the juice, or, god forbid, drop the sandwich.

_Because that would make batman angry, and I want bats to happy, because that would be just swell._

Superman neared the monitor room, close to his goal of giving batman the perfect sandwich, when a red streak flashed in front of him, faster than his kryptonian eyes could see.

_Flash…_ superman thought, eyes scanning the hallway, seeking the speedster. Another flash of red appeared across the man of steels vision, and another, And another. Superman's eyes were spinning in their sockets, just trying to keep up with flash. Superman looked at the chrome walls and then at his empty hands.

'NOOOOOOOO!' superman bellowed, the force of his voice shaking the walls, and causing flash to stop and stare.

'Jeez, Supes, it was just a sandwich' Flash said, scratching his head. 'I'll go make you another if you like?'

'YOU TOOK BATMANS SANDWICH' screamed superman, approaching flash menacingly, rolling up his sleeves.

'Holy moly Supes, you can't be serious?' Flash was often seen as the fool, the hapless clown, but now there was nothing but stone cold fear in his eyes. Despite acting slightly odd recently, the kryptonian was still a walking powerhouse, practically a god and when he was pissed, well flash had heard rumours about what the guy could do.

'Listen, Supes, been great talking to you, but I really gotta dash, y'know?'

'No you don't' superman made a grab for flash, but flash as gone already. Superman was about to make chase, to punish him for his misgivings, when he heard mumbling and worried talk going on inside the monitor room. He turned to investigate.

Batman turned to investigate, breaking off his and Diana's kiss**,** when he had heard the bellow and Flash's panicked voice. He looked back at the monitor screens, and saw the man of steel approaching flash with a look of pure hatred and fury in his eyes, rolling up his sleeves and gritting his teeth.

'Bruce?' Diana said, genuine fear on her face

'Clark is having a temper tantrum' sighed Batman

'Isn't that a bad thing?' replied Diana, wondering why Batman was so relaxed

'Have you seen Clark lately… He's been acting…'

'Bitchy' supplied wonder-woman

'I was going to say odd…' said batman 'But yes he's been acting like a li'l bitch'

'Why is he so mad?'

'Hang on a minute' Batman turned to face the monitors 'He doesn't have my sandwich'

'You made him get you a sandwich?'

'He was coming on to me, I had to do something'

'But…' grumbled Diana 'making you sandwiches is my job'

'Really…' sighed batman, rubbing his temples 'You're offended that I got superman to make me a sandwich'

'Not offended, just a little disappointed… are his better than mine?'

'What?'

'Are his sandwiches better than mine Bruce?

'Diana, I really cannot believe you're asking me this…'

'Answer the damn question Bruce'

'I don't know I didn't actually get to eat the sandwich'

'Oh so now you're changing your story'

'What the hell has gotten into you?' said batman 'Aren't you supposed to be completely the opposite of Super-bitch down there?'

'What are you saying? You don't find me attractive anymore?'

'Where did you get that from? No I'm not saying that I just thought that you were supposed… sort of… a feminist? An out of the kitchen kind of woman? In fact im pretty sure you have never made me a sandwich'

'I guess so…'

'Wait… are you jealous of superman?' said batman, a realisation dawning in his mind

'Uh, no' stumbled wonder woman 'I mean look at his hair'

'Oh my god, you are' Batman began repeatedly hit his head on the keyboard

'I am so not' wonder-woman fake laughed

'Listen, don't be jealous… Clark is… a work colleague… and at the moment a little bitch'

Wonder woman sighed 'Ok… I'm sorry… I'll be less of a jealous bitch'

'Good because I have had it up to here…' Batman raised his hand above his head '… with li'l bitches' at that moment an alert came through in batman's mask, from the batcave.

'Batman it's me Tim… I mean… uh robin' stammered a squeaky voice

'Fuck off' said Batman, disconnecting the radio frequency.

Superman looked into the monitor room to find Batman and wonder woman, together. He felt heartbroken at this betrayal. He looked between the two of them, neither one even had the courtesy to act as though they had been caught doing anything inappropriate.

'Batman… How could you?' Superman asked, tears welling in his eyes. Batman looked puzzled

'How could I what?'

'Cheat on me like this. I was gone five minutes and you… you' he broke down into a series of racking sobs. 'And with that… that… slut' he pointed at Wonder-woman.

Wonder-woman looked pissed 'Call me a slut, again… you... you' Wonder-woman struggled 'Bitch'

'Slut' said superman, slapping wonder-woman

'Bitch' said wonder-woman, slapping superman

'Slut' said superman, slapping wonder-woman

Bitch' said wonder-woman, slapping superman

'Slut' said superman, slapping wonder-woman. Batman face palmed and took in a deep breath.

'ENOUGH' He shouted, his voice echoing along the corridors, yet no-where near as loud as Superman's bellow had been.

'Sorry, Batman' said superman, looking down and shuffling his feet. Wonder-woman remained petulant

'He called me a slut' she said, pointing at superman

'Didn't I say I've had an enough of Bitches today?'

'Yeah, but…' wonder-woman continued

'Shut up, said batman, silencing her with the phrase 'Superman, where's my sandwich?'

'I had it I swear… I… and… flash… he ate it… and then you and…' He burst into tears. He managed to sob 'Are… you… mad?'

'Very' said Batman. This caused another bout of sobs, louder than before. 'I think you need to go to your room and stay there until I decide to forgive you' Batman said, pointing him out the door. Superman fled, crying. Batman grabbed wonder-woman's arm as she too was about to leave.

'Gather the other leaguers' He told her 'Or at least all those I the watch-tower. I have a list of them here'

Batman handed wonder-woman a list, with the names of various leaguers in bold. Wonder-woman read over the list quickly;

**Superman **

**Batman **

**Wonder-Woman **

**Flash **

**Green lantern **

**Red tornado **

**Aquaman **

**Plastic man **

'Divide equal shifts watching superman's door, make sure he doesn't leave. Exclude me and flash'

'Why you and flash?'

'Superman still secretly blames flash for eating my sandwich, and therefore my anger. If he finds out flash is just outside his door, there's no telling what he might do to him…'

'And you because?'

'I have to go find a newspaper, see if anything odd did happen to superman today, see if I can get to the bottom of this' Batman walked out purposefully, towards the zeta-tubes.

**Dere you go, anotha chapta for ya govna. I hope you found it amusing. Please reveiw and follow, becasue if you do i'll send you an official Postmanobama T-shirt (Joking i don't have t-shirts) but do it anyway, for me**

**-PO (See ya later, alligator) **


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey guys, remember me? Postmanobama? no? basically thats my way of saying im sorry for how long it took to update. I've been struggling a teeny bit with the story, amognst going out, and having a life and such. The reedeeming factor is that its a long one... whether or not its a good one, well you guys decide. Im also going to give you some bad news... The updates are only going to become less frequent :'( I've just started back at school and studying for my A-levels, which, no matter how much i think you guys are sexy mother-fuckers, are kinda a big deal for me. I'm not saying the story has been dis-continued, it shall live on, but basically its going to become rarer... If you keep on reading i will love you so much, i cannot put into words how much... anyway enjoy this chapter, ill try and write the next one soon :) **

Red tornado had watch on Superman first, as his name had been picked out of the hat. He stood outside Superman's door listening to the Sobbing within. Being an android, ever wishing to be more human, that this would, in fact, be a good chance to engage and learn more about the human custom of sympathy. He thought for a minute, wondering where he should start, finally settling with

'Superman, are you alright?' a pause. It was a long pause. Red Tornado began to feel he had done something wrong. And then…

'NO, go away'

'Ok' Red tornado turned away from the door and faced the adjacent wall, until the end of his shift. He was going to need more practice at sympathy

Bruce Wayne bought a newspaper, and batman retreated to the batcave to analyse it. It had in fact been a strange day for superman, with so many super-powered Meta beings causing trouble all across America.

The three candidates for the reason of superman's most unlucky affliction were Doomsday, Icicle Jr and, of course, Lex Luthor. Batman considered the three villains, and weighed up the odds. It was highly unlikely that Icicle Jr was responsible for the problem. The ice-themed villain was brash, quick to anger and generally, never thought his criminal exploits through properly and seemed to attack places at random, rather than focusing his efforts on taking down a major Meta-being like Superman. The Obvious candidate was Lex Luthor. Batman respected Lex's genius abilities and thought it highly likely that, if Lex had decided to make some kind of 'Gay-ray' then it would be perfectly feasible and possible for him to do so. The only question was 'Why so little finesse?' Luthors schemes were often so well planned, executed perfectly, to the point in which, sometimes it was difficult for even the Man of steel to stop him. Turning Superman into a bitch seemed trivial, more of a practical joke than a scheme to destroy his greatest enemy. Perhaps lex wasn't the culprit. Perhaps this 'campy attitude' was a side effect of a recent mutation of Doomsday. After all the creature did change itself to become stronger, more immune to its enemies. Perhaps turning Superman into a bitch was just a recent evolutionary trait, to halt the man of steel foiling him from that day forward. After all it wasn't as though he could fight, being a bitch and all. And that was a serious problem, because if brainiac were to invade, or Metallo were to attack then… Something clicked in Batman's head. If being a bitch, which superman was, stopped superman from being as focused in a fight, or seeming weaker during battle, then it couldn't have been Doomsday who had cause this reaction. Doomsday had attacked in the morning, icicle Jr in the afternoon and Lex in early evening. If Superman had been a bitch early in the morning there was no foreseeable way he could defeat Icicle Jr or Lex Luthor. Well maybe Icicle Jr because the kids a little bitch as well, but…

'Batman, I'm Hungry' Batman sighed, and turned around to find Robin standing behind him.

'Look at my face' Batman ordered. Robin complied 'Now tell me. Does it give a shit? Find Alfred, he'll get you something'

'Why do you never spend any time with me anymore?' Robin questioned, tears brewing in his eyes.

'Your about to cry, Tim, You would ruin my street cred'

'What?'

'Look at you?' Batman said, pointing at Robin 'You wear bright green tights and a bright red suit. Your mask hardly covers your face, its not like your hiding your identity, but that doesn't matter because all you do is hang around the batcave and eat Oreos and bug Alfred…'

'Hey I've been watching a lot of TV recently… Here come honey boo-boo is actually…' Batman slapped robin with his palm, as hard as he could. A slight blood trickled down his nose.

'Don't ever watch '_here comes honey boo-boo' _again! That is exactly the kind of evil we swore to fight against when we put on the mask' batman raged

'Okay, Golly batman that hurt' He got another crack around the face again.

'Don't say golly anymore Robin, It's not the 1960's anymore. It's bad enough they don't change your costume'

'Gee wilikers' said robin. Batman stood there and scowled.

'get out of the Batcave now' Batman commanded. Robin complied, and Batman left soon after, to hunt down Lex Luthor in a jail cell, somewhere in Metropolis.

Plastic man had next watch on the man of steel. He relieved Red Tornado, and took up position standing in front of the door. He waited… and waited… and waited. For about five minutes until he got bored. Then he wanted to wonder off, go and chase a squirrel, or Rob a bank. Now wait, stop a bank robbery. He always got confused which side he was on. Or he could go meet Woozy for an adventure. He could do anything he wanted, but he had to stay and watch the damn door. He didn't even know why he had to watch the door. Wonder-Woman had said there was something odd about Superman today, and that someone had to watch over him at all times.

_Wonder what is wrong with the big lug? _Thought Plastic man _Perhaps he's twenty foot tall, or has an extremely large nose, or a... a… cat-hand_.

Now plastic man was interested. He had been ordered to keep a watch on Superman, but standing outside this door wasn't really keeping watch on him, was it? In order to truly keep a watch on superman he had to be _inside_ the room, not outside. And the best way for him to get inside the room was to simple stretch underneath the door, and takes a tiny peek at superman, just to make sure that he was okay, and not a Ten foot tall giant, with a big nose and cat hands.

_Then it's all settled then_ he thought _a quick peek, to see his cat hands and then im outta there_

Plastic man stretched himself, moulded his body into a near two dimensional shape, and slipped underneath the door. What he saw inside superman's room was bizarre. Superman sat with his back upright to the wall, hugging a pillow, crushing the occasional sob with it. His eyes were a raw, angry red from wear he had been crying so much. On the small television in the room _the real housewives _was playing on the television, all the characters constantly bitching about everything.

_Now im thinking that this is worse than a ten-foot tall giant with a big nose and cat hands… at least for superman…_ thought Plastic man, a maniacal grin plastered on his face, and deep, mad laugh building in his belly. His grin broke and the laugh poured out, long and loud, full of heart. Superman turned to face the previously unnoticed intruder, with a face full of rage. His red eyes made him look all the more frightening, but plastic man was too busy laughing to care. If he hadn't been a two dimensional version of himself he would have been rolling on the floor laughing. Superman through the pillow at Plastic mans head, the force of which knocked Plastic man back into reality. With the forceful hit from the pillow Plastic man slipped out of the door to find an angry looking Green lantern staring him in the face.

'Am I relieved?' Plastic man said, still giggling. Before Green lantern could answer him Plastic man slipped off along the hallway taking giant steps towards his room.

Batman had found Lex, sitting in a special jail cell in belle reve. The cell was supposedly inescapable, but batman had already devised 11 different ways the cell walls could be compromised without the aid of an outside party, or any tools smuggled in from the outside. If he could do it, he was sure Lex had already devised hundreds more ways of escape. He informed the belle reve prison guard of the inadequacy of the cell immediately, so that changes could be made quickly and efficiently. Then he spoke to lex, who was as condescending, mocking and superior as ever.

'Ah, Batman, come to visit an old friend, in his most shamed hour? Perhaps to gloat at me, in such a insignificant and weakened state? I shan't be here long I tell you, my lawyers are already working on my case, and even if they fail…' Luthor smirked '…well im sure you have all ready reported some of the inadequacies to the officer, but you haven't had as much time to work out all the problems… and your hardly anywhere near my level of intelligence'

'Luthor, you know why I'm here'

'Do I?' he said, inspecting his fingernails, trying to look un-interested. Batman lost his patience and grabbed Luthor by the scruff of his orange Jumpsuit.

'You better start talking, before I crack open that big egg shaped head of yours, Lex'

'Why does everyone always go on about my head?' sighed Luthor

'You mean why does everybody pick on you, because of your giant egg-head?'

'Well it would be nice to know…'

'You're smart…'

'Yes…' Luthor replied

'And head is in the shape of a damn egg!' Batman shouted

'Your point being…?'

'You know what? Stuff this… What was in that damn Zeta ray of yours lex?'

'Zeta ray?' Luthor asked, raising one eyebrow

'The Zeta ray that was fired at superman during your battle with him… what was in it?'

'Oh that Zeta ray…'

'Yes, Luthor, that zeta ray'

'Absolutely nothing whatsoever… it was simply a failed mark 4 Zeta ray that back-fired and left me in this predicament' Batman grabbed Luthor, once again by the scruff of his collar and held him up against the wall.

'You have no idea what I've been through today Luthor, so if you don't start telling me exactly what your Zeta ray did to superman then im going to have to break your fingers one by one until your feeling a bit more talkative'

'No need to get hasty now batman' Luthor said beads of sweat forming on his brow 'were all friends here…'

'Were not friends, Luthor… if we were friends I wouldn't call you an egg-headed faggot and play your head like a bongo?'

'You haven't ever played my…' Batman grabbed Luthor and twisted him into a headlock, and began slapping his head, like a bongo drum. It made quite a good beat.

'Ok you have made your point…' Batman continued slapping luthors head

'Im trying to play twinkle, twinkle' Batman responded

'Fine, fine… ill talk' Luthor gasped

'What was that Luthor?' Batman said, visibly enjoying his torment of Luthor

'FINE I'LL TALK' He cried 'PINK KRYPTONITE… I used pink kryptonite' Luthor choked

'Never heard of pink kryptonite… If you're lying to me I'll have too…'

'Im not lying… in got it from my suppliers in the injustice league'

'I'll investigate that lead as soon as you get me the cure'

'There is no cure to my knowledge… It is likely that superman is stuck that way forever'

'Luthor, you had best start working on a cure… if you don't ill be back... and ill perform my rendition of the musical 'Fame' on your head'

'How very… threatening… ill start my research immediately… just tells the nice young man outside to bring my scientific equipment'

'Luthor I swear any funny business…'

'Message received Batman' Luthor looked smug, regaining his confidence 'Now don't you have other bad guys to torment' Batman left the cell, but not before giving Luthor a heavy slap on the top of the head.

Wonder-woman relieved Green lantern of watch, and settled into place in front of the door (If your wondering what happened while Hal was on watch, well let me tell you. He stood there quietly, not bothering superman, making funny shapes with his power ring and laughing arrogantly at random, because that's something Hal Jordan does-PO). Wonder-woman stood silently for as long as 2 minutes, revelling in the awkwardness of the given situation. Then she felt she had best say something to superman, to perhaps help Bruce unravel the mystery of superman's sudden affection.

'Clark?' she asked, pressing her ear to the door. No response 'Clark. I know you can hear me. You have super hearing, remember?'

'Oh it's you' Superman sounded pouty

'Yes it's me Clark. I just wondered if…' Wonder-woman considered her words for a second '…If everything is alright with Lois? Back home in metropolis?'

'Lois?' Superman asked, sounding genuinely puzzled

'Yes, Lois Lane? Your girlfriend'

'My… Girlfriend' Wonder woman could hear Clark scratching his head

'Yeah your number one girl? Is something going on between you too?'

'Not to my knowledge'

'Oh right' Wonder woman sighed 'well if you need someone to talk to, and then ill be just outside this door'

Wonder-woman waited in almost silence, humming softly to herself, holding her breath and counting to ten every time she heard superman, referring to her as the slut in the conversation he was holding with himself, until Aquaman arrived to replace her.

Batman had briefly returned to the batcave, so that he could run a quick check on all of the current members of the injustice league. The group of miscreants and wrong doers was currently led than none other than the immortal Vandal Savage. Savage was most likely Luthors contact in the league, and any lackey of Savage was a good place to start his investigation.

Aquaman stood outside Superman's door, tapping his fingers anxiously against his thigh. He knew what he wanted to do was very likely to piss of Wonder-Woman and the league, and was likely to make Batman red with rage, but Superman was the only real friend he had ever had. He'd felt a special connection as soon as they had spoken earlier that afternoon. And now his best friend was in serious trouble and he needed to help get him out of it. Otherwise what was the point of having a best friend? With the courage he could muster, Aquaman knocked on the door and waited for a response. Hearing nothing he persisted

'pssst… Superman… Suuuuperman' He called through the door

'Aquaman?' he heard the response through the door 'Is that you?'

'Yes Superman its me' Aquaman said with enthusiasm, pleased that superman had remembered his name

'Are you the one on guard duty now?'

'Yes, they have you all locked up in here' Aquaman paused just a second, contemplating whether his best friend was worth Batman's wrath 'But, guess what?'

'What?' Superman whispered back through the door

'I know how to get you out of there' aquaman said, laughing a little at the excitement

'You do? Really? And you're going to do it? Break me out?'

'Hell Yeah im going too'

'Oh my god that is Soooooo fabulous of you' said superman

'I know right… I swear its going to be Soooooo cool'

'Come on already bust me out?

'Oh ok' Aquaman paused for a deep breath 'Here it goes' He punched in the numbers on the locking panel beside the door, and the door opened with a click. Aquaman looked inside and saw Superman standing there, with his hand on his hip, looking up towards the ceiling.

'I hope your ready to cause some trouble, Aquaman?' Superman said, still stood in his most fabulous pose 'Because I have arrived'

**Anuva cpter 4 u m8... I really hope you enjoyed it, beyond belief and as i said in my intro ill try and update as fast as possible... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW THIS for me, becasue seriously the reviews just make my day... I love seeing them, reading them, Good or bad or bizarre, or if you like lex luthor and want to write two FUCKING reveiws about him thats fine by me too.. but seriously review **

**Seacrest out **

**-postmanobama **


End file.
